This may be controversial, but sometimes sex can get stale and boring if you don’t have the right soundtrack. There is only so much “Pony” by Ginuwine that a person can handle. Here are some sounds you can replace your sexy time music with to help keep your bedroom feisty and lively.
1. Dolphin Pods
The cooing of a majestic pod of dolphins acts like a sonic aphrodisiac. Dolphins are nature’s sexual icons and the subject of Lisa Frank’s wildest LSD dreams. Those mystical slip and slides of animals love to fuck and will help you get wet too!
2. John Mulaney’s New in Town Comedy Special
A lot of people would say that maybe you don’t want a laugh track and the shrill voice of a 30-something New York comic in the background of your sex-capades, but I beg to differ. Mulaney’s special is the perfect thing to keep things loose and flirty and the best sex is the kind that you finish while laughing! Talk about an aphrodisiac!
3. An ASMR track of a woman opening eating a pickle
This one just objectively makes sense. Think about it: what’s your favorite thing besides sex? Eating, of course! Sometimes your mouth is occupied while fornicating and you need to have the simulation of eating. There is nothing better than a little food play without the mess!
4. A washing machine set to the rinse cycle
The soft rumblings of a rinse are the perfect ambient noise that won’t distract you from the task at hand. Rinse and repeat, if you know what I mean!
5. A true-crime docuseries
To be honest, this one isn’t for everyone, but the twists and turns of the true-crime genre are the perfect pick for those of you who enjoy being absolutely terrified! The real advantage of the mournful and bone-chilling songs that play in the back. You can’t deny that you’ve never wanted to hear a funeral organ playing while someone is riding you reverse cowgirl.
6. NPR (or your favorite news and politics podcast)!
This is a great choice, especially if you’re seeing a sapio-sexual! They will be so turned on by your passive political activism that they will not be able to deny their heart of their lustful desires. Keep it spicy and make your safe word “AL GORE” or “ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE”!