Unless you are a trust fund baby, a former founder of Theranos, or worked for USC admissions, a lifestyle of the rich and the famous might be out of reach. Alas, there is a way for you to be a baller on a budget! Here are some hot tips for living a decadent and bougie lifestyle even the conniving Jay Gatsby would envy!

I’ve already done it twice in this article! Exclamatory transitional phrases date back to the 1851 and that’s old money!

And I mean E-V-ER-Y-THING, okay?! Coffee? Gold goblet! NyQuil? Clear goblet! The blood of your enemies? The biggest goblet!

Nothing says fancy like a tall cup!!

Eye contact is for poor people. Make sure you get them tinted.

Drinking bubbly is a power play. It gives off the vibe that your whole life is a celebration, so skip the vodka and pop a bottle!

Take a note from Moira Rose on Schitt’s Creek to understand that pronunciation is half of your personality. This harkens back to the days of when Oprah pronounced Target as “Tar-zay”.

Owning a horse is the same thing as being from the East Coast. Just find a random horse online and name it something like Margaux Bilsby or Tinsley Harper! It doesn’t matter that you’re lying, no one in their right mind would actually go out to a stable!

IDK, I saw it on the Kardashians. Anything that is primarily for aesthetics is a symbol of power and superiority!

Warning: you may catch an alien signal on this satellite.

Again, something only poor people do is have relationships with their parents. A true cherry on top is either telling people you went to boarding school or that Todd and Cheryl (of course you call your parents by their first names!) got divorced the same day you got your period. If anyone attempts to show you empathy just respond by saying “it’s okay, I got to have two closets growing up”!

Start with saying things like “oh my driver is here” and slowly move your way up to having a “chauffeur”. Eventually you’ll be fake rich enough to say your nanny since childhood is picking you up.

Ta-ta for now!

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store