BREAKING: God Comes Out as a Virgo

Earlier this week, God shocked the world when His PR team released a statement confirming that His birthday is indeed in September and not December, as it was believed to be for centuries. In His statement, God wrote:

My Dear Followers and Abominable Sinners,

After reading The Secret, I am simply drained from not living my truth. There has been a great deal of speculation about what my exact birthdate is and I’m ready to reveal that, yes, I am a Virgo. I think people have known for a long time since I’m such a planner and a bit of a control-freak, but I am happy to confirm that I was born in September.

Many of you have spent centuries celebrating my glorious birth in December and I will not hold it against you if you continue to do so. I actually quite like celebrating my birthday during Hallmark movie month and with Michael Bublé covers. Besides, September has so much happening with back to school stress and I would not like to be celebrated so close to Halloween and have my thunder stolen.

I also want to take this moment to say that I also identify as an INTJ. A lot of people are surprised that I’m not an “E” for extrovert but honestly when you listen to people’s prayers all day and send them little signals like butterflies to land on their window sill or hurricanes, all you want to do is stay home and read a good book, like The Holy Bible.

To be clear, I don’t want to speak for all Virgos or be treated like a hero; I think me creating the world is heroic enough. My thrills come from doing things perfectly and following rules. If you are wondering how to make my Virgo heart happy, you can simply continue giving me complete loyalty and faithfulness. A Virgo never forgets and I take my job as the omniscient Creator of this world seriously, so I will continue to do my favorite part of this job, which is judging all of you. So, please continue to pray and only have butt sex, but please respect my privacy and know that I will not be taking any interviews at this time.

Divinely,

Big G

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store