BREAKING: God Comes Out as a Virgo

Earlier this week, God shocked the world when His PR team released a statement confirming that His birthday is indeed in September and not December, as it was believed to be for centuries. In His statement, God wrote:

My Dear Followers and Abominable Sinners,

After reading The Secret, I am simply drained from not living my truth. There has been a great deal of speculation about what my exact birthdate is and I’m ready to reveal that, yes, I am a Virgo. I think people have known for a long time since I’m such a planner and a bit of a…