How To Exit A Conversation

I can find something to talk about with anyone. I also suffer from resting “PLEASE APPROACH ME FOR DIRECTIONS” face. Because of this, I often find myself in conversations that I don’t want to be in. As a defense mechanism, I’ve come up with some creative solutions for exiting unwanted conversations.

1. Moon walk out of there

You don’t even need to know how. Just start moving backwards at some point. Walking forwards works too but doesn’t get the point across as strongly. Another good option is wearing Heelys out to zip away.

2. Silence.

You need to stop yourself from filling the air with things like “yeah” or “ah, wow” or “you’re kidding” or “oh man the weather’s been crazy lately”. Let there be awkwardness that is inescapable and eventually you will be left alone. Staring dead into their soul is a nice way to expedite the process.

3. Update your software system

If you’re on the phone with someone just say “oh man, it’s so crazy my phone just automatically started updating, so weird”. HANG UP THEN BLOCK THEIR NUMBER.

4. RELIGION. POLITICS. SEX. THE AFTERLIFE. YOUR PERIOD.

Bring any of these up and your conversation will be over faster than your distant relative can comment on your weight after 5 years of not seeing you. *Please use caution in bringing these topics up around white men. It may result in a conversation where you at talked at and end up nodding silently as you wait for you bus.*

5. Die.

It’s the ultimate trick.