How to Spot a Shady Friend

These days it seems like a right of passage to have to cut off shady friends. It is an exhausting experience to do so, so much so, that many people stay in toxic friendships just to keep peace in their lives.

Wouldn't it be nice to spot those toxic people before they become your close friends? Below, I break down how to spot these snakes:

1. Find a spyglass.

I know what you're thinking? Where do I even find one of those? Turns out they are EVERYWHERE from REI, Walmart, abandoned ships, to perhaps even your local pawn shop.

2. Realize you accidentally bought a kaleidoscope.

Oh my gosh!! What did you do, you silly?! You can't see anything because all you're seeing is a beautiful and enchanting display of colors and shapes that make you want to experiment with acid and shrooms.

3. Consider returning the kaleidoscope.

Take a few minutes to consider returning this handheld magical portal. I think you'll find that you'll want to keep this investment and just go hunting for another spyglass.

4. Learn to use that spyglass.

Woo! You finally got the right product (after a happy kaleidoscope accident).

Now this is the tough part. You're gonna want to calibrate your spyglass just right so you can spot psychos from miles away. Start tracking your friends for any weird behavior such as: friends who wake up early to go on morning runs, friends who don't eat pizza at least twice a week, or people who listen to music in public without headphones.

5. Be prepared to be confronted.

Now, if you're a rookie to the spyglass game, there is a chance your so called friends will be upset with you stalking them. This is fake. If you're confronted, just pretend you were looking through your kaleidoscope!

6. The Kaleidoscope Test

Make it really believable and offer to let your friend look through your kaleidoscope. If they say that's lame, then THAT'S WHO YOU KNOW WHO TO CUT OFF.

Best of luck and hungry hippo those snakes.

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

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