I’m the wine glass Rihanna illegally took from a restaurant and I’m no snitch!

At first I didn’t know what was happening. One minute I’m just living my life inside the Nobu in Hell’s Kitchen and the next thing I know I’m being whisked away to a new life filled with a posse, high fashion, and ignoring Drake’s texts. Never in a million years did I dream of a life outside of Nobu. I got quite used to the celebrity encounters and having the finest wines poured in me, but nothing has been the same since the day Rihanna carried me into those crazy Manhattan streets like an accessory. Fuck a bracelet, I’m the new bitch in town. With her there are no rules — we make our own and I won’t ever be the same.

Don’t be fooled though — this life is not easy. Day in and day out I’m bombarded by the paps and with questions about the bad gyal. At this point, everyone has seen the pictures of RiRi taking me into the studio — I’ve even been a topic on the Graham Norton show. The truth is that, yes, I was taken to the studio, but I would rather have a three-buck chuck dumped into me than reveal what I heard inside those soundproofed rooms. Everyone’s clamoring to know, “Rihanna, Rihanna, when’s the new album coming out? Rihanna, Rihanna, are you making new music?” but all I can say is good things come to those who wait. These mean streets of New York have taught me that snitches get stitches and I’m no snitch!

I can promise you this: one day when Rihanna decides to give us the gift of her voice once more, we will all be better people for it. I can’t believe that the same lips that left a red stain on my rim are the same ones that released the sweetest sounds in the studio that day. The way the notes reverberated off of every piece of my being was indescribable. It was practically euphoric, so much so I was worried I had stained my glass.

I don’t dare share more. I am sworn to secrecy and I REFUSE to betray the woman that gave us Pon de Replay! You could shatter me in a million pieces if you want, I’m off to dream about Rihanna’s backwash.

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store