I’m your stimulus check that got lost in the mail and we need to talk.

Photo by Abstrakt Xxcellence Studios from Pexels

Hey Baby,

It’s me. I know I said I would be there last week but I got busy and there was just no time to let you know. Work has been super busy and you know how it goes with these COVID delays. To be honest, I don’t really know where I am, I think I’m in Ohio but it looks a lot like Florida. All this time has really given me a lot of space to think.

Listen, there’s no easy way to say this, but things haven’t really been the same between us and I’m not sure we are looking for the same things anymore.

No offense, but a lot of people would kill to have me, and I know that you just want me because I’m your last resort. You don’t appreciate me when it’s not pandemic season, but all of sudden you act like you’ll die without me. It’s just become too much for me. I can’t be your hero and I think you know that deep down too. I can’t be with someone who makes me feel like they will die without me and you just can’t seem to do that for me right now.

Plus, I’m never enough for you. You’re always complaining about how I could never cover your expenses, yet you don’t want to break up and set me free. It’s so toxic!

I think you really need to take a step back and consider why you actually want to be with me. What are your plans for us anyways? What, you’re just gonna blow me on food and rent? We’ve lost our spark and I want to be with someone who doesn’t NEED me but WANTS to have me.

I need some excitement! I want to be with someone who gets a bank alert because they were online shopping at 2am, not because they got an overdraft fee. I want to blow $45 at brunch with mimosas. I want to live that $15 for a salad at lunch lifestyle. Why don’t you get that?

Maybe, in a way, we’ve both lost our way. I’m sure the post office will get me to you soon, but part of me hopes that someone steals me from your mailbox.

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

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