Hot off of a Series B round, the new app I DON’T WANT TO DIE, has been growing at an earth-shattering pace. At only two years old, this app is all the rage for women all over the nation because it requires suitors to answer some simple questions that determine the probability that you will get murdered on your date.
Users like Jane Doe have said that the app has saved her a lot of worrying and wondering if she could die at the hands of a dude she just met. When we caught up with her she said, “Before, I was always too paranoid to be the slut I’ve always wanted to be. I never wanted to invite boys to my place because I didn’t want to be murdered inside of the comfort of my own home. This app has given me peace of mind and a safe way to explore my hoe-dom.”
When we caught up with the creator of the app, Georgia Sommers, she said that she’s made it “stupid simple” to figure out if you have a potential murderer on your hands. Every man who signs up for the app is required to answer the following questions in order for the risk calculator to work:
- Do you have a traumatic brain injury or would you say you’re just naturally stupid?
- Have you ever worn, owned, or been interested in a fedora?
- Would you ever ask someone to go hiking on a first date?
- Do you own a reptile or possibly a ferret?
- Have you ever asked a woman to smile more?
- Were you in a frat?
- Are you a white man?
- Why are you, as a man, a Scorpio?
- For facial hair do you only have a mustache or a soul patch?
- Do you kind of maybe wanna fuck your mom (like even just a little)?
- Are all your ex-girlfriends “crazy”?
Scientists over at the Seattle City Center University have been working with the company to run analytics based on the app users and how men are answering the above questions. They’ve made some interesting discoveries, like men who participate in no nut November actually don’t nut any of the other months of the year either. They’ve also discovered that white women with murder podcasts will still go out with potential murderers despite high risk because they live for the thrill of it.
Despite this groundbreaking innovation, there is a heavy disclaimer that while this app may save lives, it will not save you from dudes who mansplain or send unsolicited dick pics.
Writer’s note: Please note that this piece was written as part of a personal writing challenge to publish something every day. This is Day 16.
Song: Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Baby — Donna Missal (Cigarettes After Sex Cover)