Official Medical Diagnosis: The Glow-Up

Do you feel like people are treating you differently? Out of nowhere?

Maybe you haven’t noticed that your body is changing, almost like a second puberty. It could be that you are going through a glow-up and you don’t realize it.

Causes

  1. Sudden weight loss.
  2. Fixing your crooked teeth.
  3. Finally learning how to do your makeup or curl your hair deep into your 20s.
  4. Lighting and snapchat filters.
  5. Not having a pre-pubescent body.
  6. Your bangs grew out or your facial hair grew in.
  7. You own a trendy outfit that shows off your body.
  8. Adult acne dwindling or finally having a face wash routine.
  9. A general change in looks that is agreeable with the societally accepted standards of beauty.

Symptoms

1. The people that hit on you are hotter.

You’ll notice that people who shower and have basic hygiene will start asking you out. Don't worry, this is not a mean prank someone is pulling on you. Turns out people want to fuck you now!

Don't fall into the common trap formerly ugly people experience where they think "oh wow this really hot person was so nice to me" and then realize years later "ohhhhh they were flirting with me". Hot people are not nice for their health, they want to Super Smash Mario Brothers with you!

2. People start telling you what they really think of the old you.

A common symptom is people commenting on how great you look “NOW”! Of course, you're the last to find out you looked like a lumpy garbage can that was ravaged by raccoons. Of course people think you're STUNNING once they compare you to your old potato body. Don’t fret, this is part of the process.

3. Losing weight or people making unsolicited comments about your weight.

Doctors find that a surprising amount of glow-ups happen when someone accidentally shrinks their clothes in the wash. Suddenly, all of their once oversized clothes magically fit and call attention to their body-ody-ody. Be prepared for people to tell you how fit you're looking.

If it happens to be that you did indeed lose a lot of weight, take this in stride. Turns out nothing cures anxiety about your body like suddenly having the societally accepted standards of beauty.

4. People agree with you no matter what.

After years of cultivating a personality and using humor as a substitute for your subpar looks, you don't have to anymore! It turns out hot people get treated way better in modern society! (Seriously, pay attention to how many more people hold the door for you now that you don't resemble an amoeba.)

You'll find people to be much more agreeable. You could make a joke that's worthy of a chuckle, but be met with a cacophony of laughter. In the workplace, you may find people liking your ideas and not questioning your authority. This is one of the nicer perks.

5. Friends think you’re a catch.

All of a sudden friends will start saying things like “I don’t understand how you’re single, you’re such a catch.” or “You could get anyone if you wanted to.”

This is always tough because when you grow up ugly, you still feel ugly on the inside, no matter how hot you are now, so you may not believe that people want to get with you now. You may have hoe potential but not be able to commit because ugly, inner you is not mentally prepared for this part of your journey. Be confident and go hoe it up, but just know that hoeing is hard and not for the faint of heart.

6. People compliment your physical traits.

Listen to your friends carefully as they describe you. Maybe you used to be the friend with a “great personality” or “really kind heart” but now you’re just "delicious" or a "babe". They’ll start paying you odd compliments on things like the texture of your hair or the ridges of your shoulders. Medical professionals are still divided on if you can glow-up and not turn into a prick.

Complications

The complication of being stunning is that your friends may grow irate with you and the side effects you're experiencing.

You may not know what to do with all of the new found attention and confidence, so it may drive you to do obnoxious things. Now that you’re beautiful, you may find yourself saying things like “Why don’t you just demand more money or threaten to quit?” when your ugly-as-a-butt friend is discussing the troubles they are having with their new promotion. The world is harder for ugly people, so you probably won't be able to relate to these peasants anymore.

You may be posting way too many selfies without realizing it. Now that you’re a conventionally attractive hot-to-trot-tootsie-pop, you may feel compelled to take selfies all the time. Everything becomes a celebration — Mother’s Day, Earth Day, even President’s day, and pretty soon you'll be in your room having a selfie photoshoot and curating that perfect thirst trap.

So what? Screw the haters, hawt people run the world, so why would you care about common civilians?

Can you prevent it?

There is no stopping a glow-up and it's highly agreed upon by two and a half doctors that you do not want to. Studies have shown that people affected by glow-upism may feel nostalgic for the era of their lives when people loved them for their personality instead of their looks. Recovery from this nostalgia is quick once they realize that they are now able to be irresistible douchebags!

Treatments

It is possible to reverse a glow-up, but it is a highly risky procedure that involves adult acne and adult braces. Instead, come to terms with your new ways. THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW. Be patient with all the new changes, as glow-ups happen over decades, not days.

And, remember, don’t worry about your personal growth.

Now that you’ve glowed-up externally, you can stop working on yourself as a person. Relish in this freedom. Use those new symmetrical eyebrows and straight teeth to trap some ass and take what you want. People will just call it undeniable confidence.

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

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