Things that replace the human touch

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Hugging a pillow

This is a great way to ease your way back to the human tactile experience. Start with a feather filled lump and move your way up to a memory foam density to make sure you don’t go hog wild. You’ll know you’ve gone too far if you’ve given your pillow and first and last name and maybe put a wig on it.

Brushing up against a wall

Sometimes these things happen on accident and you feel a stirring, but if you train for that moment, you’ll be able to handle the visceral feeling you get when the fat of your upper arm catches on the wall. It will be electric. It will be insatiable. It will be entirely too much, and you might even feel phantom brushing later.

Sitting on your hand until it goes numb then fondling your own breast

Yes, teens just discovering their own bodies do this too, but this is practically 3rd base in COVID times. If you’re having trouble imagining that it’s someone’s else’s hand, we recommend creating an almost porno like storyline to get yourself there. How did you meet this hand? Oh, through a mutual friend at a party? And you accidentally tripped and your boob fell into the hand? So cute!!!

Wrapping yourself in your shower curtain

Close your eyes. Feel the curtain swaddling you like a baby. It’s almost like two hands are reaching out from behind you and hugging you for an awkward prom photo. Let yourself go there. Be free.

Stacking your weighted blankets

If you thrash your body beneath the sheets it almost feels like missionary.

Getting a pet snake and letting it run free and wild on your body

Give him it a name. Maybe Shane? This helps create a stronger connection for an advanced touch like this one. It’s gonna feels like 2nd base with a giant clammy, scaly hand, but that’s authentic and true. And honestly, it’s probably gonna feel better than when your Tinder date took you back to their place and fucked you on a bean bag.

Eating an entire bag of satsuma oranges to induce diarrhea

Have you ever felt so alone that you want to feel something? Anything? Sometimes you feel so low that all you want is a hug, but when you can’t have one, the only feeling that can decimate that sadness is a diarrhea. Nothing quite takes it out of you like consuming an entire bag of cuties and inducing a citrus ass explosion that guarantees you will not leave the bathroom the same.

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

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