What Goes Unsaid: Pooping At Work

What Goes Unsaid is a stream of consciousness series that highlights the inner thoughts of the situations I find myself in.

Me: “Okay, I’m just gonna run to the bathroom real quick before our meeting.”

Coworker: “Oh, me too! I’ll go with you.”

ME: (INTERNAL SCREAMING)

PLEASE GOD NO! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, REBECCA?? YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH ME?!? THAT’S WHERE I GO TO BE ALONE!!

I’M NOT HERE TO BORROW YOUR LIPSTICK, I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT.

*In the stalls*

Should I say something? I’ll just let her start the conversation.

Oh god, oh god. I have to poop and she‘s definitely just gonna pee.

She’s gonna know hear me pushing my brown little nuggets…If I get a hemorrhoid because I was forced to restrain my pushing, can I sue the company….?

Come on, push. Come on out little guy.

I need to eat more fiber…I’m gonna buy some broccoli immediately after work…does that have fiber….what even is fiber…what a weird word. Fiber. Fi-burrrrrr it’s cold in here, I said there must be my stupid coworker Rebecca in the bathroom with me…