What Goes Unsaid: Pooping At Work

What Goes Unsaid is a stream of consciousness series that highlights the inner thoughts of the situations I find myself in.

ME: (INTERNAL SCREAMING)

PLEASE GOD NO! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, REBECCA?? YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH ME?!? THAT’S WHERE I GO TO BE ALONE!!

I’M NOT HERE TO BORROW YOUR LIPSTICK, I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT.

*In the stalls*

Should I say something? I’ll just let her start the conversation.

Oh god, oh god. I have to poop and she‘s definitely just gonna pee.

She’s gonna know hear me pushing my brown little nuggets…If I get a hemorrhoid because I was forced to restrain my pushing, can I sue the company….?

Come on, push. Come on out little guy.

I need to eat more fiber…I’m gonna buy some broccoli immediately after work…does that have fiber….what even is fiber…what a weird word. Fiber. Fi-burrrrrr it’s cold in here, I said there must be my stupid coworker Rebecca in the bathroom with me…

Dear god that coffee ran right through me…

Her pee stream is so loud, why is mine so quiet? She’s gonna think I’m pooping, which I am, but I need to pee so she thinks I’m just peeing.

Okay, lift one leg a little so the stream hits the bowl just right and makes a noise. COME ON YOU PISS CANON!

Oh good, here we go, here we go…the fruits of my labor are finally coming out. Hahah….oh man…I’m funny….

It’s so quiet in here…the silence is deafening…yet I can hear her mouth-breathing in the next stall…WHY WOULD SHE PICK THE STALL RIGHT NEXT TO ME?!

Why do they do that? Why are bathrooms made like echo chambers? They need to pad the walls. I don’t need to hear people pissin on FULL VOLUME?

Should I say something? What do I say?

*Coworker opens her stall door*

OMG she’s already done. I’m gonna have to leave mid poop.

OMG WHY DID I SAY THAT?! YOU PEE FAST?! SHE’S NOT AN OLYMPIAN FOR WATER SPORTS.

Good god woman, get your pants on.

*Farts in the stall*

Oh.

My.

God.

Now she’s gonna know I fart.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

*Back in the office*

Arijana Ramic is a Seattle based standup comedian. You can find her musings on twitter (@arijanaramic) and short videos on the Aisha and Arijana FB page.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store